My Sexuality

In our lives there are many people and events that influence your beliefs or things that you do as time goes on. Our sex lives are sometimes hard for us to talk about. We struggle to tell our children “the facts of life,” and we struggle to tell our partners what pleases us. Sex is personal, and, at its best, is an intimate treasure savored privately. We each want to please and be pleased, to feel warm, safe, and desired. Our sexuality is also sometimes hard to talk about.

Events that happen in our lives and the people we bring into our lives change us as a person making it harder for some people to talk about their sexuality then it may be for others. I for one have had many contributions in my life that has caused my sexuality to be the way it is. Family happens to be one of the biggest contributions when it comes to my sexuality. Parents are different when it comes to sexual intercourse at a young age. Fathers are always more open with their sons about it and less open with it to their daughters.

When it came to my father it was exactly that. It was against everything in him to have sex before marriage. His parents were brought up in the 1920’s in Italy where it was against all morals to get pregnant or even have sex before marriage. My older sister got pregnant before she was done with high school and dropped out. When my grandpa on my father’s side had found out about her pregnancy he got extremely mad at my father because in his eyes it was my father’s fault she got pregnant before marriage. So I promised my father I wouldn’t shadow what she did and finish school.

I felt like I could never come to my father for help when it came to guys because I felt that he would be disappointed in me for anything I did sexually. When it came to puberty, I couldn’t even ask him to be put on birth control because to him birth control gives girls a reason to have sex. “They feel “protected” when they are on the pill it, it will give them a reason to keep having sex. ”, is what he always used to say. Though one thing he didn’t realize is that birth control not only helps you from getting pregnant, but it also helps with girls cramps during their menstrual cycle. Now, my mother was a bit different.

She had told me that I don’t have to be scared to come to her, talk, and go to the doctor’s to be put on birth control if I thought I was going to get sexual in any of my relationships. Even if had to happen behind my father’s back. She made me feel more comfortable about any sexual encounters that I may have been involved in because I knew I could trust her about anything I had to talk to her about or anything I felt nervous about in my relationships. Religion is a big part of my life and also helped sculpt my sexuality. I had planned on being a virgin until marriage because in church I was taught that premarital sex is a sin.

Though another concept that I learned in church is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins so they can be forgiven. Although, I had sex before marriage I do believe my religion does keep me from trying things like masturbation, kinky sex and pornography. Abortion is one thing that I am STRONGLY AGAINST. I believe that if you “think” you are ready and responsible enough to have sex that you should “think” you are ready and responsible enough for any of the consequences that come with your so called “readiness”. I don’t like when friends or acquaintances talk about getting abortions when they think they are pregnant.

School has been another big impact on my sexuality. Classes and teachers always really pushed about waiting to have sex. When students were caught having any kind of sexual relationship in school they were suspended and if numerous offenses happened they were sometimes expelled. So basically they put in your head that sex was wrong. In health class you are taught about STD’S and how you should wait to have sex when older and when you feel you are 100% ready to take care of any consequences that may come. Also they try to talk to you and tell you not to be ashamed of your sexuality whether you are straight, bi or homosexual.

Peer-pressure is a HUGE thing in school. Drugs, sex, and partying are three of the main things that are peer-pressured in high school. My friends and other peers were having sex at younger ages. They tried to persuade me to start having sex with boyfriends and/or start/try masturbation because they thought it was fun and/or thought it felt good. It wasn’t because they were in love. Being raped at a young age caused me to be more cautious on who I talk to, trust, and hang out with. I have more of an attitude to certain people I don’t trust or like.

I hold a lot of grudges when someone does something to lose my trust. It takes a lot of time to build the to forgive them and for them to earn their trust back then before. The rape has also caused me to push people away that I believe come too close. One last thing it caused me to lose was a lot of self respect and self worth. I don’t feel comfortable being naked with significant others or even being naked around myself. It made me feel disgusted of myself. I also became pregnant by the rape which made me feel even worse and not only that I have been raising my son since age 14.

Though it did help me to be more aware and cautious of who I hang around and who I bring around my son. It also has shown me that a lot of men are still to immature to be in a serious relationship and caused me to lose a lot of relationships because of their immaturity. I am getting better as years goes on to get over the rape and move on with my life but again there is some things in your life that you can never forget. Since we grow up with so many different influences and events that happen in our lives, it could be difficult for some to realize where our beliefs come from.

Though the events in my life caused me to be more cautious and grow up faster then others have some of them would have been better off undone. To recognize or at least be aware of what caused my beliefs, attitudes and values has helped me in a variety of ways whether it helped me be more careful of the things I do or the people I keep my loved ones and myself around or even made me a stronger person. Factors in my life had even caused me to be sure of my sexuality and made me who I am today as a more mature and stronger women then I would have been if some of my life events haven’t happened.